Broken Bay Writers – Stories of NSW Central Coast and beyond

Scribbles on life, the universe and everything… Woy Woy, Ettalong, Umina and teh Central Coast that is!

The Pixie

I want a pixie haircut.  I want one so bad that I research it to find the best cut for me.  I start to notice all of these women around me with short hair.  Some look so good, in fact I find that many of them are striking looking women.  They are cute and have an air of confidence that only a woman with very short hair can have. 

The feeling takes me back to when I realized that I wanted children.  I started to notice all these cute babies everywhere.   And, beautiful women with big bellies.  These women rub their belly, caressing their growing baby.  I always knew that I would be a mother.  I knew that I too would caress my belly and talk to my unborn baby.  It was a great feeling when I finally became pregnant and experienced the feeling myself!
The next time I had that feeling about something was when I decided I wanted a puppy.  I started to notice all the different breeds of dogs.  There seemed to be puppies everywhere.  I took in how the owners would interact with their dogs.  The feeling did not go away until I got my puppy.  Owning a puppy was everything I had hoped for and more.  I immersed myself in being the best dog owner I could be.  Puppy training, long walks, yes this is what I had dying to experience.
Some women look dowdy with short hair.  It can make middle aged women look old, it can make young women look middle aged.  A woman with short hair needs to have strong features to “pull off” the look.  I have big eyes, I can do this.  I also have an outgoing personality.  This is a necessity for short hair.  Yes, I do believe I can pull off “the look”.   I am more than ready to experience the feeling of a confident short haired woman.
I am nervous at the hairdressers, but more of an excited nervous.  I have been looking forward to this haircut for at least 3 months.  I am ready.  It’s going to look so good.  I have all these thoughts going through my head as the hair comes off.  I need to start wearing earring again, long dangly earring or big loops, earrings with substance.  Or, I can wear studs and look like Demi Moore in Ghost.  She had an understated beauty about her with her short hair.  What the hell, I can change up my look daily.   It is going to be fun.
My hair is cut.  My hairdresser carefully enquires as to what I think, because she is lovin it!  My first thought when I look in the mirror is “who is this old person looking back at me”?  Then  I realize, it is me!  I am an old dowdy looking short haired woman.  I can feel the breeze coming from the open door.  I can almost see my confidence get up and leave the room, floating out that door in the breeze.  Oh shit!  Come back confidence!  We can do this!  I will “fix” it when I get home, I can make it look better.  I will wear earrings.
It doesn’t work.  Earrings don’t work.  I play with my hair.  It looks plain no matter how I tussle it or comb it.  I am destined to be a dowdy old woman.  I wonder if it is just me that feels this way. Perhaps it is because the only comments that stay with me are the generic comments like, “oh, you cut your hair short”, or “it will be cool for the summer”.   I don’t recollect any comments  that included wow, what a beautiful cut!  I found the worst was when there was no comment whatsoever!
I can’t believe how much this haircut has affected my self esteem.  I’ve gained weight.  It’s like my body is saying “if you want to look old and dowdy, I’ll play along”.
There is an upside to “the cut”.  It takes me a minute to “do” my hair in the morning.  When I go swimming, I don’t have my hair in my eyes.  I save on shampoo.  It is the easiest haircut to care for.  It sits only one way and always looks the same.  I don’t even have to comb it.  That said, I can’t wait for it to grow.  I massage my head every morning in the shower because I have heard that it promotes hair growth.
I am waiting for it to grow, to the point where it looks shaggy and cute!  There has to be a time when it will start to look good and once again match my personality.  Where it grows this way  and that way and looks in disarray all the time.  Where it is too busy growing to focus on “looking in place”.  I want to be shaggy, my hair all over the place.  I want it to reflect me, my personality.  There has to be some point where my body says, “okay, you match your haircut, all is good now”.  Then and only then I will open the door and know the breeze will carry my confidence back in.  My confidence will grow…my hair will grow.  Now, I wonder what colour I should dye it?  My hair that is, the colour of my confidence was fine when I saw it leaving, it will be fine when it returns!

2 responses to “The Pixie

  1. Owl December 15, 2008 at 11:19 pm

    Hey Kitty Kat,

    Great writing, love the manic style! BTW, your “do” looks great! I know you have heard it all before!

  2. jackie January 30, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    I have never, ever thought you look dowdy or old. I look dowdy and old. You always look trendy and stylish, a look I could never achieve. You have too much style to look dowdy. I think you should look in the mirror again!!!

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